My head rattled with so many thoughts, none of them mine. I felt as if my head were to explode. It was 12:53 in the morning and though I could not sleep, I was drowsy and felt as if everything was spinning. This was not unusual but rather quite normal, it happened every morning without failing to occur or cease until exactly 5:07 AM. Even my own dog wouldn't mind, she had completely adapted to my morning rustling and knocking things over. I would get up from bed to reach the balcony which had a lovely view of the sea. The waves would crash against ragged rocks, the air was crisp and cool and had the smell of salt and I could feel cold droplets land on my face. Once I had gone through this routine as I have done many a night before, I would weep. I sobbed til it calmed my rather frustrated mind. The weeping helped each night, that's all I could do to express myself.
Every morning I would follow the same steps. I not only suffered from OCD, but I forced myself to become that way. Why? Well, I was alone and hated what I did every single day. I despised how I couldn't speak, how I felt. I disliked most of all how I always felt that people were easily annoyed by me, that I was rather pushy, not very pleasant. So, I became aloof to a long extent.
But today, now today was different. One of my executives hired a rather good-looking man. I thought he looked too good to be in the corporate world. Too charming to work in an office. His records impeccable, his speech perfect to say the least. When he smiled everyone noticed, even me. For some odd reason, during lunch he invited me to a swanky restaurant. I thought he was just trying to impress his new boss. And boy was I wrong! He showed me what I had to do. We talked about nonsense and how the economy needs to rebuild and such. Topics, to be sincere, that I found dull and that is a compliment compared to how I really feel. He told me I looked too kind to work in a hugely successful office, that the business made me hard and cold. He was right. I only joined the company because I felt compelled to do so.
My mother, quite admirable she was, worked in a big office. She was quite successful and I felt I should follow in her footsteps. She looked so happy, with not only her job but our family as well. My dad worked in the same type of area as her, but he had his own company so worked from home in the office he built. I felt that was my destiny. It was right, everyone was happy. I wanted that happiness, so I didn't bother looking further than that. I didn't explore any of my interests, I basically dived into the business world. But I digress. This young man did not know me yet could see through my phony passion for business and for it to prosper.
"Don't leave the office, I have no right to say that. But find yourself, and when the time is right I know you'll do what you please. I used to be a model for magazines and dated many gorgeous women, who were too thin for my taste I might add, but I left that business. I joined the real world and so far it has been what I wanted, even with all of it's kicks in my ass," he told me with an honest smile. "Why are you saying this? You barely know who I am," I said as politely as I could. "But I know who I am and I can see in your face what I saw each day when I woke up for yet ANOTHER dreadful photo shoot," he said with such regret yet no hate was detected. He was a rather young and nice man to hate anything in this world. He did what he pleased whether it was difficult or simple. I admired his character. He did what made him happy and that...that was enough. Enough to actually live life.
Because of this young man, I found myself. I still work at the office but I didn't have my migraine this morning nor will I follow my routine. I will break my cycle of tears and regret, I will shatter my self-induced OCD. In the last decade of my life or so I have had those head pains, and now tonight I will have a well deserved, longingly awaited morning slumber.
Life's too short to not do what you please, but too long to drag on day after day with regret. No wonder the world thinks that they're ugly! Happiness and laughter makes us beautiful, I'm in the midst of taking a chance and look forward to dive into new things. To discover myself, my interests. Life is for someone to live it, why let it go to waste? Isn't that right girl? I think Coco thinks so too.
